BITING BACK: Blog of The Practical Vampire Slayer

Surely My Nicest Interview Yet

2010-12-07T13:55:00.002-07:00

I had the pure pleasure, a few weeks ago, of being a guest on a show called, "Energy Stew." It's hosted by a really lovely man, Peter Roth, and airs every Thursday night at 8 p.m. (EST) on PRN, The Progressive Radio Network.

If you listen to the interview, you'll understand why I loved talking with him so much: Mr. Roth really read and really "got" my book, and was as kind and generous as I've ever known a person to be.

If you'd like to listen, just click HERE.

Note, too: To any interested readers, please let me say that I regret having to stop just as I was getting started on my review of the rules from Biting Back. There has been an illness in the family (we'll be fine) that has kept me busy these past few weeks, but I'll be back soon to finish our coverage.

Thanks,

PVS

The First Rule Of Practical Vampire Slaying Is...

2010-11-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

Watcher and Slayer
Reviewing the Rules

A vampire can’t just walk into your house and start sucking your blood.

First, it has to be invited.

You know, there are so many things I love about this rule that it's hard to know where to begin...but just for starters, let me say this: I absolutely love how this rule makes such clear, fair sense!
The very idea that a vampire can enter our lives without permission - that it can simply come swooping in any where, any time and without our say-so, is not only boring and inconsistent, but it doesn't even make any sense, either.

If the story - whether it's about mythological vampires or personal vampires - is going to be any good at all, then it's going to insist that we, as the vampire's hosts or potential hosts, have meaningful roles in it, too. There must be a time and place in the story where our decisions and movements (and not just the vampire's) have significance and make things happen, too.

Any decent story simply has to be about more than some poor guy who, through no fault of his own, suddenly becomes an unholy supply of meals to some vampire who just happened to be flying over the neighborhood one night. Honestly: what kind of story is that - about a blameless person getting into the worst kind of mess possible and without hope of ever getting out of it? Yuck. It's not only pointless and tiresome, but just plain gross, besides.
Any good vampire story has to include the strategies, motivations, and actions of all its players - and if it wants to get really good and interesting, will also demonstrate the complexity of the relationships that vampires and hosts have with each other: why the vampire is sometimes slain, and why other times the host remains to be drained and ready to join the ranks of The Undead, too.

     And so, in the end, what could possibly be more important to a story about a person in deep, deep trouble than for them to see an actual ray of hope - a way out that really might work?  This is just exactly what our invitation rule gives to us: it gives us that hope.
     After all, if we're without the power and ability to invite a vampire across our thresholds and into our lives before it can feed, then how can we possibly have the power and ability to push it back over the line and out of our lives again?  I mean, either we've got the power or we haven't: it's not a "sometimes" thing.
      We can hardly say, "Oh yeah, you see all that good stuff that I've got in my life? Well, I'm the one responsible for bringing that in" ...and then, out of the other side of our mouths say, "but see all that other crumby stuff in my life, especially those stupid vampires eating me out of house and home? Well... I'll be darned if I know how they got in."
    Either we are conscious and mature players in our lives or we are not, and the beauty of this invitation rule is how it serves as a reminder to us, every time we start feeling victimized, that if we can just become willing to take an honest look at ourselves and assume the appropriate measure of responsibility for whatever difficult situation or relationship we're in, then we'll also discover the exact measure of power we need to do something (the right thing) about it - and best of all: we'll find that power within us.

This is the Practical Vampire Slayer, signing off for today.

I'll hope to see you on Sunday, when we'll be reviewing Rule #2 - the one about how vampires only need one invitation to cross the threshold in order to come and go as they please for all eternity - because it's a doozie.

Pina atunci,

The Practical Vampire Slayer

Revisiting The Basics: Rules For Vampire Slayers And How To Bite Back

2010-11-11T14:11:00.005-07:00

I've been feeling a need to get back to basics for some time now - to remember the principles that provide me with a foundation for living that works. For me that means spending more time with my family and my work, and it definitely means spending more time in prayer and meditation.

It also means reviewing the stuff I've gotten complacent about: the principles that I'm so smugly sure I know by heart and don't even really need to think about in terms of who I am today because I imagine "I've already done all that."

I was talking to a couple of friends the other night after a meeting, and one of them commented on how nice I looked. I was already well into my answer to them about how it wasn't really me that looked good, but rather my clothes or makeup - when my friend Suzanne whispered leaned in close, and then whispered in my ear, "Just say 'thank you.'"

Well. If you've read my book you know this is one of the big lessons I claim to have learned -- the one about the importance of saying "thank you" to life and all it offers us instead of pushing love and gifts like that away. In fact, that would have been a golden opportunity for me to be able to say, "Hey, you don't have to tell me about saying, 'thank you' - I wrote the book on it!" except of course that I couldn't, what with having forgotten what I'd written and all.

So what this all boils down to is that it's time for me to get back to all the stuff I think I already know so well, and to review it. And this is why I'm going to spend the next couple of weeks going over the rules of practical vampire slaying, or "Biting Back,"(if you prefer) and taking a closer look at them...and I hope you will, too.

I'm going to list them in their entirety today, and then, starting tomorrow, I'm going to discuss each one in detail - one every other day - until we've gone through the whole list.

A list of nine. 9 rules! Now how did that happen? I mean: I couldn't have rounded it out to a nice clean 10? Or the ever-popular 12? A number with a little more zing to it perhaps? One with just a tad more fame?

Well... all I can tell you is that it's too late now. Nine rules is what there are and so, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:

The Rules

Rule #1:

A vampire can’t just walk into your house and start sucking your blood.

First, it has to be invited.

Rule #2:

A vampire does not need an invitation every time they cross the threshold.

One invitation grants a lifetime pass.

Rule #3:

Every host has the option to revoke an invitation they’ve extended to a vampire, but they have to know the rules if they want to do it right.

Rule #4:

Every host must claim responsibility for their invitation

before they can reclaim their power to revoke it.

Rule #5:

Our revocations must, above all, be clear...

and before we can be clear with our vampires, we have to be clear with ourselves, first.

Rule #6:

All vampires’ appetites are insatiable.

Rule #7:

Never look into a vampire’s eyes.

Rule #8:

A vampire cannot see its reflection a mirror.

Rule #9:

When it comes to hosts who never revoke their invitations:

They become vampires, too.

So we'll start with Rule #1 tomorrow, and then do the remaining rules - one every other day. I hope you'll join in if you have the time, the interest, and any questions or any arguments you'd like to present. Or start.

With Gratitude

I Remain Yours Truly,

The Practical Vampire Slayer

Interview With A Vampire Slayer

2010-10-19T15:07:00.001-06:00

This is a radio.

I bet you don't even know this, but I had a radio interview about a month ago.

It was on a show called "Dresser After Dark," and when my publicity person over at Llewellyn told me about it, I have to admit: the name of the show fascinated me.

This is him.

The show's host turned out to be an energetic and friendly man named Michael Ray Dresser, and he led me through the interview with kindness and skill.

Thanks to my old pal Dan Berghaus, you can listen to my part in the show by clicking HERE.

If That's Not Nice, I Don't Know What Is

2010-10-18T14:50:00.000-06:00

(In case that title doesn't ring a bell for you, it's a variation on something
good old Vonnegut once suggested we do - described here, if you're interested.)

Two of the very nicest things that have ever happened to me in my life just happened this last September: I'm talking about my book signings in Polson and Chicago because boy oh boy: nice is what they were!

That's my daughter Maddie (L) with her pal Machaela Roberts
behind me. Jackie Ladner (standing and talking with me)
saved my life later on when, during the presentation and well into the Q&A,
she noticed that I still hadn't mentioned the most important
aspect of the book (the vampire "invitation rule") and she posed a very
innocent-sounding question about its significance. Thank you, Jackie!!!!

First, in Polson: Marilyn Maier, owner of Page by Page Books put on one of the prettiest events I've ever seen in our great town, complete with champagne and sparkling cider, and held in her truly exquisite bookstore.
Thanks to her ferocious publicity campaign and the kindness of all our friends, the signing drew a crowd of over 75 people.
That's a LOT!

Many thanks to Marliyn, and many thanks to our excellent friends who came and made it all work.

To quote The Kinks:
"All of my friends were there...not just my friends,
but their best friends, too."

And then later that month in The Windy City...

My sister Julia sent this invitation out to a bunch of her friends and a few of mine who are still in that area, and then we all got together at the Union League Club for a warm and elegant early evening of perfect drinks and food (which I never got a chance to try until it was over since I never once stopped talking long enough to put it in my mouth) and really fun conversation and company. Everyone was so kind and so interesting!

My mother Dorothy Nowicki, my brother Mike, niece Anne Nowicki and cousin Dot Spransy all came (I wish I had pictures to show you but those aren't in yet!)...and then, out of the blue (literally: he flew in)...my brother-in-law Bill Cunningham managed to bring my hair straight up to standing postion when we found him seated in the party room, waiting for us to arrive.

It was all too excellent for words.

Here are a few shots of the event - I apologize for the size: I can't figure out how to enlarge them without distorting them, and it really doesn't do the event justice.

The sign says it's me
and that I'm going to
be there.

Entrees and Intros

Sister Julia, me, Brother Bill

As I say: it's one of the nicest things that have ever happened to me in my life - and one of the greatest memories I'm sure I'll ever have.

Thank you.

Extra! Extra! Read All About It: Llewellyn Journal Posts Cunningham Article On Our Love Affair With Vampires...Extra!

2010-09-21T10:01:00.002-06:00

Okay, even I'm dying of corniness from the title of this post...but here's a link (below) to the article, if you're interested. It's about why I think vampires are so popular these days.

That's right: more opinions. Just what the world needs. And what you were dying to hear.

Note: See if you can count the number of puns I managed to stick in there. I'm not even sure I know myself...they were unintended.

Really!

Our Undying Love for Vampires (click on that title there -- to the left)

AND: In our next post I'll tell you about the signing, and show you some pictures, too!

This Is It

2010-09-17T09:40:00.000-06:00

So. Today's the day my wonderful local bookstore, Page by Page Books, is hosting a book signing for me and Biting Back. This is the picture that Marilyn, the store's owner, took of the display that's sitting there as we speak.

The place is gorgeous.

The food is going to be lovely.

There's even going to be champagne.

I've got a new dress and scarf.

Earrings. Bracelet.

Lipstick.

Mascara.

I'm having trouble breathing, though, as I am not what you'd call "a relaxed public speaker."

In fact, I made it through high school speech class (twice) without ever giving a speech: that's the kind of scared I get.

I'm going to try it anyway: after all, I actually finished writing a book and it got published, which, next to getting sober, married, and having Madeline is the coolest thing that's ever happened to me. Also, my friends want to come and celebrate. And one last thing: I'm fifty-two years old now and sick and tired of being pushed around by my fears. If I start reading and have to exit and run screaming down the street, so be it. At least I'm going to try. Otherwise I'll someday have to say that I didn't even do that much.

Thanks everyone.

Now here goes.

It's Here...and There Now, Too

2010-09-01T16:46:00.002-06:00

So... today's the release date for Biting Back... and I almost forgot mention it here on the blog. Everyone who's read it and confessed as much to me has had something nice to say about it: so many love the title, lots love the writing, tons are crazy about the cover and layout, and simply everyone tells me, too, how they also love the feel of it.

Llewellyn really did do an incredible job: the book really is nice to hold, to look at, to touch - even to read! I don't know what kind of paper that is they used, but it's delicious. I discovered this morning on the Llewellyn website that they also have what is surely the coolest "look inside this book" gadget I've ever seen : You can check it out here: biting back look inside this book gadget .

The book is available at Amazon and Llewellyn, of course - at Barnes and Noble and just about everywhere else, too, I think. My new friend Marilyn at Page by Page Books will have it too: she's hosting my launch and signing on September 17th, from 5-7 p.m, and it sounds like she's going to do a really lovely job. I'll announce it again when I'm absolutely positive about the details. I'm supposed to get up and read out loud to you guys. Ahem.

We'll see about that!

Anyway: while I've had such kind feedback on the book so far that I would blush to share it, there is one thing I've heard that I just have to tell you about:

I gave a copy of BB to my wonderful hairdresser (Jaye McDonald/owner of Bella Vita Salon in Polson) - and although she didn't have time to read it that first night after I gave it to her, her husband, Brian, did. Brian called first my husband Robert and then later on, me, too - to say how much he enjoyed it. But it was something he said to Jaye that just about killed me: After reading it, she told me, he came into the room where she was resting and said, "Hey honey? Am I ever a vampire to you?"

Can you imagine? Talk about great husbands! And talk about great results I never in a million years anticipated!

Which is one of the things I LOVE about books: there's just no telling all the wonderful things that people might see in them, you know? You can't even begin to guess.

Thanks, Readers. Writers. Publishers. Libraries. Bookstores.

Folks.

Thanks.

Honey, I'm Home

2010-07-31T22:27:00.003-06:00

Bunã ziua,Vampire Lovers,

I do apologize to anyone who might have wondered what's been going on in the practical vampire slaying business and/or who's been looking for any news on the book: stuff's been happening.

Carrie Obry

First off, I just have to say that my experience in the world of publishing has been really interesting. That might be because of my incredible publisher, Llewellyn Worldwide: what an astonishingly talented, professional, kind, and brilliant group of people they have over there...they've taught me so much and worked so hard for me! My editor, there on the right - is just plain heaven sent.

One of the steps in the publishing process was to rename the book (the working title was "The Practical Vampire Slayer" - which was good, but not nearly as good as the one they came up with - and while I'm at it, I'll show you the cover, too:

Coolness defined, baby. And I get to say that because it had nothing to do with me.

Shortly after this cover was designed they took it on the road - by which I mean that, to my utter shock and amazement, Llewellyn featured it at their booth at Book Expo America, which looked like this:

and this:

And as if that weren't enough, my old high school pal David Meyer wrote to say that he'd spied it at the American Library Association Convention he attended: claims he was eating chocolate at the time and smeared the pages of the copy they left out there, too. Aw.

Anyway, the point is that we've got a book coming out there on September 1st - and oh my gosh I can't believe I forgot to tell you this: 3 of our country's most excellent women (and writers and thinkers) wrote blurbs for my book. They are:

Melody Beattie


Joan Walsh				and

Jaye Wells

So I'm just plain lucky, I guess. I've been more fortunate in this journey than I'd ever imagined or hoped to be, and now the day is almost here. There are about a million disclaimers I'm dying to make but won't, won't, won't. I will however, be trying to blog more regularly, and I'm hoping the book will generate more questions from brave readers, looking for specifics. I like those.

That's all for now.

How are you?

pvs

Someone To Watch Over Me, Part I

2009-09-28T12:17:00.002-06:00

watch⋅er: [woch-er] –noun
1. a person who watches or who keeps watch.

From Dictionary.com

Watch⋅er: [woch-er] - noun
1. For every vampire slayer or group of vampire slayers, there is a mentor or advisor – someone who knows all there is to know about vampires and vampire slaying. The slayer may be the “vampire extinguisher,” so to speak, but he or she is usually not what you'd call the “vampire scholar.” That job belongs to the Watcher.

In the movie Bram Stoker's Dracula, that guy was the strangely likable Dr. Abraham VanHelsing (shown above, with heads), and in the television series, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, it was a cute librarian named Rupert Giles (also shown above, with Buffy).

from The Practical Vampire Slayer, by Me

In case you've never heard this before: 12-step groups have this totally brilliant practice of suggesting to their newcomers that they find and enlist the help of a "sponsor" -- of someone who has experience with the 12-steps of the recovery program and who will offer their personal experience and support to the newcomer as they are getting the hang of their recovery program.

Good sponsors do more than that, though: beyond the experience they share, they also supply a kind of practical love and support that most of us in recovery have no idea how much we need. In my own case, I cannot imagine how I would have navigated those early years of recovery by myself. There was just no way.

And sponsors are not just for newcomers, either: they are members who, for any other member, are there to bounce their thoughts off of, to safely and confidentially air their complaints to, to offer another point of view from their own, and to help them apply the principles of recovery (12 steps) to their lives.

The first time I ever consciously asked someone to train and watch over me was when I joined a 12-step group. I won't say I'd never enlisted the help of advisers in my life before then, but I will say that I had never before in my life been so open to really listening to the experience of others as it might apply to my own life. Until that time I was more the kind of person who, when other people were talking, would be impatiently preparing for my own turn to speak. So I almost never heard what other people were saying, except how it might pertain to how I could either contradict them or say it better.

What a joy I was!

This way of living: to identify and ask for help from one who knows the road I'm travelling better than I works so well for me that it has spilled over into just about every area of my life. I've got sponsors all over the place - only now, as a practical vampire slayer - I call them my "Watchers."

One of them is my friend Jennifer, who, a few months ago when I could not get myself out of bed to finish my book's first draft by its deadline, made a tentative diagnosis of "book flu," and came running with soup, tea, a bread so deliciously unique I don't even know what it's called, and a commitment to share her experience (and considerable expertise) with me that day until we got the thing finished. So besides being one of my best friends, she is also my Writing Watcher.

When I got my diagnosis of cancer and went to see a doctor who'd been recommended to me by the woman who'd diagnosed my cancer, I found and adopted another kind of Watcher, this one to watch over my cancer. Not only did I trust her because of her obvious confidence, but also because she told me something that I'm not sure she even remembers today: she told me, "I know you." And did she ever.
That's happened to me maybe once before in my life -- a girl in my 7th grade class named Lisa Whittet had my number so fast it made my head swim. And we didn't even hang out together! But she knew me - just like this doctor did.
Cancer is definitely one of those things you need a good Watcher for - as most of us, never having had cancer before, are pretty quick to admit. In other cases though: maybe not so fast. And that's what we're going to talk about in Part II of this post: about those other less desperate cases - where we need our Watchers badly, only, for some reason, we don't know it.

Note: These posts are dedicated to Dr. Loren Rourke: Surgeon, Watcher, and Promise-Keeper extraordinaire.

Claud The Obscure

2009-09-26T09:25:00.010-06:00

Whew. It felt like I was going to disappear entirely there for a while - but I didn't - and little by very little, each hour and day, I've been coming back a little stronger and a bit more distinct.

I've been working on getting well and on writing whenever I've been well enough to - on my book, obviously: not the blog. And as a result I am now approaching my first real rewrite of The Practical Vampire Slayer and have a date with my editor to discuss the revisions on Monday. I'm so glad - this is exactly what I'd hoped for: the guidance and expertise of my publishing team to help me make it the best it can be. Who could ask for more?

Thank God for brave and innovative publishers (Llewellyn)! Thank God for patient, hardworking, and brilliant agents who know exactly what to say and when to say it (Jacky Sach) and for creative-as-hell, understanding-as-Gandhi and sharp-as-tacks editors (Carrie Obry)!

Oh, and thank God for friends who bring books on editing, packages of fortifying tea and treats, their impossibly-invaluable experience and love, and most of all themselves (Jennifer Graf Groneberg) to save me when I've become convinced that I'm not a writer, never have been, and never will be.

So things are good: my health is improving by teeny-tiny tenths of points (if you're a reader of blood work, that is), and with the help of an incredible family, unbelievable friends and support everywhere I turn, I now have a manuscript worth editing - which is exactly what I was shooting for.

So now, it's time to get back to blogging, too. See ya around the web.

Oh, and by the way: hello! How's that for an ending?

Claudia
xoxoxox

Roadmap To Holland

2009-01-03T18:58:00.008-07:00

This is a video by my extraordinary friend, Jennifer Graf Groneberg. I recommend her book, her blog, and her website to anyone who loves see beauty, hear truth, and read the kind of writing they can't put down.

Meet My Sister Joan

2008-12-07T12:25:00.006-07:00

You know, I've seen a lot of pictures of people dressed up as vampires on the web, but I don't think I've ever seen one this good.

Frightening, isn't she?

Evidently she had some fangs in the back seat of her car (well, who doesn't?) and, as she put it, "had a little time" on her hands.

No really: she's a NICE person.
And not a vampire.
And I just had to share.

Thanks, Balone.

Reader Question

2008-04-13T09:20:00.007-06:00

Dear PVS,

Why are so many women vampires to their sisters -- to other women, I mean?? I know several women who are nice to your face but the back-biting that goes on when you turn around is incredible.
I have taken myself out of several circles of friends because of this and have started to be with people who are truly accepting of one another and are truly spiritual. These people are not easy to find, however, because like me, they keep their distance.

Some insight would be great!!

Janet

Hi Janet,

You know, before I sobered up and started practicing some spiritual principles myself, I was pretty mistrustful of women...well, actually, I was pretty mistrustful of everyone...but it's funny how many women I know today who have relationships with other women who they don't trust at all!

I always feel so shocked when they tell me about their girlfriends who they feel are lying or, as you say, "back-biting," I guess because having those kinds of relationships ended for me so long ago now that I just think: Why would you want to be friends with someone who behaves that way anyhow?

And that sounds pretty much like the question you asked yourself, and answered, too: it sounds like you've made the choice to have relationships with people who are seeking the same depth, honesty, and trustworthiness in their friendships that you are.

But when I've asked people who've complained to me about these vampires whom they find so hard to trust, their reasons for staying in relationship with them often come down to politics: like the social politics of needing to be friendly with a vampire because that vampire is also friends with someone you really have a good friendship with; or it can be a problem of politics at work -- you know, like somebody you have to interact with about 40 hours a week, so of course you have to have a relationship with them of some kind. And of course it bothers you.
And Janet, I'm no expert on feminism but I know there are plenty of people who are, and they've written books about our culture that might help to answer your question -- but me? I'm just a vampire slayer, and I have the same solution for all vampires, whether they're men, women, organizations, institutions or whatever -- as far as I'm concerned, the answer is always the same: We bring both our vampires and ourselves into the light where we can get a better look at what's really going on and whether we want to continue in relationship with our vampires or not.

Then we take steps to be free: if not free of the vampire, at least free of feeling victimized by them -- since, in practical vampire slaying, we always look for the invitation we extended to our vampires to cross our thresholds (enter our lives) and for the ways in which we've kept the door open to them ever since.

Even just acknowledging that can bring us a LOT of freedom. At least that way we're not feeling victimized, and at least that way we're reminding ourselves that if we had the power to invite the vampire in, then we also have the power to revoke our invitation to them, too.

Either way: we free ourselves from our former draining relationships -- not only with our vampires, but with ourselves.

Obviously, it's difficult to summarize in one blog post -- but in any case, it seems from what you say that you've already looked at these relationships and made your decision to revoke your invitations to them. It sounds like you've decided to move on to new and more fulfilling relationships for yourself.
So: Good for you! And thanks so much for writing!

Sincerely,

PVS

The Prodigal Vampire: Finis

2008-04-11T22:17:00.023-06:00

I was thinking about it as I was trying to get to sleep last night and I just know -- sure as you're born -- that some nice person out there reading my last post came to the end of what I'd written and had to have been at least a little put out by it.

"That’s not how the story of The Prodigal Son ends," they probably said to themselves, and, " I can’t believe she just dropped it that way– like the father threw this big party and then everyone was happy, and that was the end of it!"

Anyone who loves that other son as much as I do, I think, would have had to have noticed the missing ending -- and besides, it's only fair to finish a good story once you've started it. So here's what happens:

When the other son sees all this – the party, the killing of the fatted calf, the whole production – he goes to his father and says, “Hey, you know what, Dad? I’ve never asked you for my inheritance and then blown it all on prostitutes and wild living. I’ve stayed with you this whole time, working in the fields and behaving myself, and never once have you thrown a party for me. Never once have you killed a fatted calf for me or brought out any beautiful robes or anointing oils for me – so you can just forget about my coming to your little party. I think I'll just stay out here in these fields and keep working, if it's all the same to you."

To which the father responds: “You are my son, and everything I own is yours – all of this and everything for as far as the eye can see, belongs to you.

"But this is also my son, " he tells him, "who was lost, and now is found.

“So please,” he says, “come to party.”

Which the other son does. And I like to think he had a pretty good time, too.

The End.

When I was first recovering from my alcoholism and beginning on my journey to find a God of my understanding to help me recover and put my life into some kind of order – one personal to me that I could feel – it was a very difficult time for me. I began with nothing I could see or understand, hadn’t the least interest in seeking help with it from organized religion, and I couldn’t imagine how I was going to begin to find this God.

It’s a long story, but the point I want make here is that there have been times in my life when I’ve felt like the son who squanders his God-given fortune and anticipates the worst because of it, and other times I’ve felt like the good son who’s been behaving himself all along and then feels he isn’t getting near enough credit for it.

I believed at one time that if I just kept trying to be “good,” God would let me know that they (she/he/it) approved of me and would finally love me, too. I would see other people I felt were misbehaving terribly and listen with real indignation when they would speak of a God they knew in their lives who loved them.

I would think: “Well shit, what’s up with this party that God’s giving for them? No one’s been killing any fatted calves for me! And here I am, being so good!”

Anyway. That’s why I love the other son so much. And that’s all I’m going to say about it, too.

Lie.

There is one more thing I’m going to say, and it’s really just a disclaimer, for what it’s worth: I am not a Christian or member of any organized religion. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I’m no more or less a Christian than I am more or less anything else, religiously speaking... but I sure do love a good story.

And I think that -- like screaming along to the noisiest and rock and roll, or like a slow trip through a museum of modern art, or like the attentive working of a jigsaw puzzle with my daughter, or like holding hands with my husband and knowing it – a good story is as fine as anyplace to find God.

As my hero Kurt Vonnegut once said: "Love is where you find it," and I would say that it is the same way with God.

Or rather, that it is the same thing with God -- the exact same thing, in fact.

The Prodigal Vampire

2008-04-10T06:39:00.009-06:00

I'm afraid if I don't post something soon you guys are going to stop believing in all that stuff I said before about how "fine" I am with the cancer, so here's an update: I'm still fine, more or less. One chemo down, 3 to go, and I think the worst of the first chemo has passed. Or maybe it hasn’t. It’s sneaky stuff.

But I've been thinking a lot about cancer and vampires and prodigal sons in the past few months – and about healing, too, since that's what practical vampire slaying is really all about – healing, that is.

And here's the thing: When I first got my diagnosis and started looking at books about chemotherapy, I kept finding stories about people who saw themselves as being "at war" with their cancers. They'd say how they were envisioning these little chemo-soldiers with little grenades or whatever, going in and slaughtering all their cancer cells…and that’s okay, I guess; people can see themselves as going to war with their cancer if that's what they believe in and that's what works for them. But for me, the old "war" imagery just wasn't working at all.

I have a favorite story that you've probably heard at one time or another in your life (at least I bet you've heard about "the fatted calf" -- admit it, you have) and the truth is that I think it’s just about the most beautiful story that’s ever been written: it's called The Prodigal Son.

You know it?

Now there are so many things I love about this story that I could pick it up at any point at all and talk about why that particular part of it is so great, but for the moment let me just say that, for me, it is simply the most perfect story about the transformative power of Surrender, of Love, and of Community that I’ve ever heard.

It goes like this: A father has two sons. One day one of the sons comes to him and says, “Dad, I’d like my inheritance now. I don’t want to wait around for it, and I’m wondering if I could just take my half now instead of later.” So the father divides all he owns into half and gives one share to the son.

The kid takes off for faraway lands and has some pretty good times – times reportedly filled with wine, women, and song, and then what finally happens, of course, is that the money runs out, the booze dries up, the women disappear, and the kid wakes up one morning to find he’s squandered it all, and is living with pigs.

He takes a look around the pen and thinks to himself: “Even the servants in my father’s home live better than this. I know I don’t deserve to be a son anymore – I gave that up – but maybe I could go to my father and ask him if I can be a servant in his house.” And he starts down the road back to his father’s home to ask him.

Now if you’ve never heard this next part about how the father sees his son coming from afar – then up until now you’ve missed one of the most beautiful images in any story, anywhere, ever.

Because when the father sees the son coming from so far away, what do you think he does? Does he say, “I’m going to beat the crap outta that kid,” or, “I’m going to let him back in but first he’s going to get the lecture of his life?”

No. What the father says is this: “It's time for a party.” He calls to his servants to set the tables, bring out the finest robes, find the anointing oils, and kill the fatted calf – "My son,” tells them, “My son – who was lost, and now is found – is coming home.”

When I think about cancer and vampires and prodigal sons like that, I remember the father in this story -- the father who never thinks to abuse or even reprimand his son: there are no grenades being thrown from afar, no mean words waiting at home for the son – only love, only gratitude, and a big, beautiful celebration.

I’ve always been hard on myself, full of mean words and grenades. I have a series of lectures and cruel one-liners I’ve used on myself: “You’re fat, you’re stupid, you’re foolish, you’re ugly, etc.,” – vampires brought out with such regularity that I hardly even notice their feeding anymore, you know?

When I got my diagnosis – that very hour, that very second – all that stopped. It occurred to me to let loose some vampires, I guess: “This is no more than you deserve – all those years of smoking and drinking and being such an asshole,” but then it stopped. I think I realized for the first time that I couldn’t go on that way anymore, that I was going to have to start saying nice things to myself and loving this body and mind that’s given me life and taken me here and there – wherever I’ve chosen to go and without complaint, too.

"What a nice body!" I thought, "What a good mind!"

“I love you,” I told it, “and I’m sorry for all the mean stuff I’ve done to you and said to you, and I’m going to do my best to love you from now on, my good old pal,” I said. And then I gave my shoulder a little pat, and my hand a little kiss.

It seemed pretty weird, but I have to tell you, it was NICE – nice to love myself as I would my daughter or my husband, or any friend, to love myself without reservation, like the father in the story.

I won't be using the imagery of soldiers or grenades in my meditations about chemo. So far I'm trying to see the chemo as transformative light and a gentle touch to each cancerous cell.

And we'll see how that works instead.

P.S. To Jen:

2008-03-31T20:17:00.007-06:00

congratulations

PLEASE JOIN ME ON THIS MOST EXCELLENT DETOUR

2008-03-31T08:28:00.019-06:00

To Celebrate The Release Of

Jennifer Graf Groneberg's

ROADMAP TO HOLLAND

HOW I FOUND MY WAY THROUGH MY SON'S FIRST TWO YEARS WITH DOWN SYNDROME

Here's how it's going to look on the shelves when you go to buy it:

Isn't she beautiful?

And if you think she's gorgeous, just wait til you read her writing!

Her WEBSITE

Her BLOG

Where you can BUY IT

And all I'm going to tell you about it is this: Like Steinbeck, Jennifer somehow manages to get absolutely everything worth knowing about life into one simple story. This one here.

Congratulations, Jen.

Every So Often...

2008-03-30T06:28:00.008-06:00

I get a little something in my mailbox that looks more or less like what follows below. This is an email I received last Wednesday.

First of all, Slayers are murderous asses. I knew a girl that was not vampir', only goth, and she was raped and murdered by so called slayers. I know many vampir' and they are not afraid of you. You mistakenly harm goths because they are weaker than the vampir', if you ever come across one that is real, you would be in itense trouble, and harmed yourself. Take warning.

Blackwood

Well the first thing I want to say is that I'm certainly pleased to see that people are reading -- reading anything, I mean, but especially that they're reading my blog.

I had the honor of tutoring English Composition during my short time in college, and that was the first thing I'd encourage my tut-ees to do -- TO READ. I'd tell them, boringly enough, "If you really want to learn how to write, then you really ought to learn how to read, too."

I'd almost always recommend they start with the clean, no-nonsense prose of Ira Levin (since so many of them simply needed to learn how to pay attention to what they were saying and to tighten it up; I'd always imagined that Levin's presence in New York made him a natural at clean, tight prose), and I remember throwing a lot of Stephen King and Dean Koontz their way, too. "Find something that makes you want to turn to the next page," I'd say, or," What kind of movies do you like?" I'd ask -- and we'd go from there.

So it makes me glad to see this sort of thing: people reading and people writing; the Internet is so great that way. But I have to wonder if some readers aren't skimming a bit, or whether these kinds of emails I get are simply perfect examples of how most of us see and hear only what we are ready to see and hear.

I mean, how little of my stuff do you have to read to understand that I'm not speaking of vampires in the literal sense that our friend Blackwood here is, or that practical vampire slaying isn't really so much about "murdering" or even "destroying" our vampires, as it is about "revealing" and "transforming" them?

It's a subject that's been much on my mind these days: revelations and transformations and prodigal vampires and all that.

Excuse me a moment, and I'll be back to talk some more about this.

And thanks for reading!

Tyler Durden, Paula Deen, and Me

2008-01-20T12:58:00.007-07:00

My incredibly talented friend Jaye did a post last week featuring this picture from everybody's favorite movie, Fight Club, and it inspired me to watch the movie again.

Let’s face it, when I watch this movie I feel nothing less than Complete Joy, and if I tried to explain to you why that is, it just wouldn’t work. Either you know what I'm talking about or you don't.

Tyler getting the “perfect” sock in the ear.
Marla “not making a big deal out of it.”
That bathrobe. Those slippers. That guy with the hose.
You know - just every second of it.

And then there's this: Tyler explaining -- over a lye-soaked hand -- the importance of accepting one's own death.
Part of what he says (and I'll skip to the chase, here) is this:

"First you have to give up. First you have to know -- not fear, but know -- that you are going to die."

Good old Tyler. He's telling us what we have to do to achieve enlightenment, I guess. Or maybe he's just telling us what we have to do in order to relax and recognize what's important so we can finally start having a good time for once in our lives.

Sock it to me, Tyler-baby.

And then there's Paula Deen, who says kind of the same thing.

And while I wouldn't exactly say that Paula and Tyler are as alike as two peas in a pod, I will say that they do have a thing or two in common.

Because when The Queen of Adding Butter, Mayonnaise and Cheese to Simply Everything did an interview with Larry King last August and described how she recovered from her agoraphobia, one of the things she said about getting over it and finally starting to enjoy her life, was this:

"I accepted my mother's death, my father's death, the death of everybody that I loved. I accepted my own death because I couldn't change that, you know. None of us are going to get out of this alive."

Well sock it to me, Paula-baby, too! My heroes.

But enough about them. Now I'm going to tell you about me. Because just after this last New Year's Day I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Spoiler and not to tell you how to feel about this or anything but: I'M FINE!!!

I really am. I was told after the biopsy that this cancer was aggressive, and learned, too, that the pathology report contained an item that didn't look so hot, so about a week ago I can tell you that Robert and I were pretty scared.

Imagine our happiness, then, we we learned on Saturday that my scans (bone and PET) show that there is no sign of cancer anywhere else in my body.

Oh, man. Let's hear it for straightforward, simple, curable breast cancer!!!! I'm not kidding you guys -- all I have to do is get rid of this, which'll be a snap, you know, especially when compared with the alternatives.

Sigh. I feel wonderful.

Which brings me back to those peas I'm in the pod with, sort of. Because one thing I've been given the chance to know --not fear, but know -- is that I'm going to die one day. And so is everyone I love. Which may include you, by the way.

Now. Why should this make me so happy, and don't you just loathe rhetorical questions?

I'll tell you why anyway: Because now I can stop wasting valuable time fearing the reality of my "someday" death and the "someday" deaths of my loved ones, too, and start spending that time enjoying this here moment right now.

And I'm not saying I didn't fear my own death last week, but I will say that there was a "click" at one point -- a "change of channels," as my friend Julie would put it. I went off the "fear" channel and turned onto the "this is real" channel, and I'm here to say, for what it's worth, that Love transmits much more clearly, definetly, and practically on this reality channel than that fear one.

So maybe that's what Tyler's talking about, and Paula, too.

Anyway: I think I'd like to talk about this some more, because I gotta tell you -- there's vampires a'plenty to contend with on this journey.

So I'll keep you posted.

The Heart Of Practical Vampire Slaying, Part II: More On Those Inner Vamps

2007-11-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

A friend was telling me the other day about a couple of relatives she has who are fighting like crazy over some property and money issues.

The fight is between a mother and daughter, both adults, and sounds a little like their…what do you call it – “Waterloo?” Because it sounds like it’s a very deciding kind of deal for both of them, wherein each has made up her mind to "make a stand,” and fight to the finish -- however grim that finish might be.

As is typical in every family I’ve ever known, there is in this family a history of divorce, of alcoholism, of co-dependence, of unintended child neglect (in both the mother's and daughter’s histories), and many generations of good old-fashioned inherited emotional family dysfunction – all of the usual stuff, and all of it contributing to years and years of unresolved anger and resentment in both the daughter and her mother.

But what got my attention was a description my friend gave of a conversation she had with the mom in this dispute. In the conversation she was listing for my friend all the reasons her daughter was wrong about the property and the money, and then suddenly in this list she was reciting she mentioned something that seemed out of context to my friend – said something about some totally unrelated offense the daughter had supposedly committed long ago.

Only she said it as though it had just happened yesterday.

So my friend, confused, stopped her and said, “Hold on a second. Didn’t you say that happened over a year ago?" And this woman says, “Yeah, uh-huh: over a year ago,” like it was the most normal thing in the world for her to mention it at that moment and in that context.

And when my friend told me that, suddenly I saw it: I saw exactly how this woman couldn’t differentiate between her current argument with her daughter and all her past arguments and resentments with her daughter.

To her, it was normal to mention the old wound because to her the old wound was as new and as current as ever. One year ago, 30 years ago, one hour ago, what’s the difference when the resentment has never been laid to rest – when the vampire is still feeding and has never been slain?

Suddenly I could see the two of them, this mother and daughter arguing, with all their inner vampires vying for position in the fight – I could see the daughter’s vampires screaming at her mother’s, and the mother’s screaming at the daughter's: a million old vampires trying to take advantage of the chance to express themselves in this seeming "property" fight.

No wonder they can’t resolve the property issue. And no wonder everyone is so hurt and confused -- nobody knows who's doing the fighting here or why!

Their inner vampires – the parts of themselves that they've refused to look at for all these years, are doing all the talking. Like the good vampires they are, they live in the dark and grow in the dark because that's where we pushed them so long ago so we wouldn't have to look at them, wouldn't have to deal with them. But they’re lonely and tired and really, really mad, and they'll insist on being heard, on having their say – just as they did with this mother and daughter, and just as they're sure to do with the rest of us, too.

It was the best argument I've heard yet for practical vampire slaying, for calling our inner vampires out into the light where we can see them and stake them. Because if we don't, it's plain to see that no matter how many years go by, they'll always be hiding in there, and will surely consume every bit of joy we're meant to be experiencing in our relationships today. After all, how can we possibly pay any attention to what's happening in our lives today when yesterday's vampires are doing all that talking? And doing it so loudly, too!

Next time: Calling The Vampire Out

The Heart Of Practical Vampire Slaying, Part 1

2007-10-07T11:03:00.000-06:00

Dear PVS,

I was reading back through your archives and a thought occurred to me: Is it possible that we could be our own worst vampires at times? Some might call that internal editor inside an inner demon, but I think your vampire definition holds (holy) water here too. I mean, when we listen to that voice, it drains energy and light from us, right?
What do you think?

Sincerely,
A Reader

Dearest Reader,

Thank you for this amazing question. It's a real can-of-worms opener for sure! In fact, I'm going to have to take it in 2 parts.

I have heard that "it is the part of ourselves we refuse to look at that rules us," and for me, that's always been the case.

The nice thing about our vampires is that -- even when they live on the "outside" (as in unhealthy or draining relationships with others) -- they lead us inevitably to the task of self-examination. After all, how can we tell our vampires what we want if we don't even know what that is ourselves?

That is totally the upside of having insatiable, bloodsucking friends -- they force us into relationship with ourselves.

For instance: Before I could revoke my invitation to an old boyfriend I'd broken up with who was stalking me after the breakup, I had to know what it was inside of me that was allowing him to treat me that way. Why was I putting up with that crap? What was I afraid would happen if I told him clearly to knock it off?

In my case it turned out to be fear, mostly: fear of hurting him, fear of defining myself without him, fear of financial insecurity, and mostly a big, fat fear of making a mistake -- because what if my decision to leave him was a mistake? What if I'd just been crazy on the day I'd left him and I would one day regret it?

On some level (and by that I mean the level of myself I refused to look at) it seemed like a good idea to keep the door to that relationship slightly ajar...just a little insurance in case I ever wanted to walk back through it, you know?

Problem is, you can't close the door to something and keep it open at the same time.

So there was this price I was paying -- a little premium on that insurance policy, if you will -- and that premium, of course, was my sanity. I was confused, in pain, and starting to get pretty freaked out about being followed around and ambushed by him all the time.

Sheesh. It was getting so I couldn't even walk from my car to my house at night without wondering whether he going to jump out from behind the bushes.

I blamed my vampire for that, but the truth was that I hadn't been clear with him about wanting to end the relationship for good and all. I'd been telling him that I "couldn't" be with him, and that left the door open because it's not a clear statement of my will. It also let me off the hook, too, since I'm not responsible for what I can or can't do -- I'm only responsible for what I will or won't do.

I can't swim.
I don't want to swim.

I can't go to the game.
I don't want to go to the game.

I can't have a relationship with you.
I don't want to have a relationship with you.

See the difference?

Before I could revoke my invitation and close the door, I had to take responsibility for my own will -- and to take responsibility for my own will, of course, I had to know what my will was.

Which brings us back to...?

You got it: self examination. I had to make a decision to shine a light on the part of myself I'd refused to look at that was ruling me: my doubts, my fears, and my insecurties -- you know these guys: the inner vampires.

Next time: More on the inner vampires of which you speak, dear Reader.

I Think They're Trying To Seduce Me

2007-08-31T11:03:00.000-06:00

Dear PVS,

I'm 19 years old, and not Goth. I am fairly normal by most standards, but 3 female vampires have tried to start relationships with me or wanted sex in the past month.

Am I attracting this or do just have really bad luck?

Sincerely, Bob

Hi Bob,

Thanks for the great question, and I apologize for the delay in answering you -- I've been having blogger trouble that seems to have finally resolved itself today.

So. A couple of things come to mind as I consider your letter:

First, you don't need to be "Goth" to attract a vampire, although I suspect you already know this. The vampires we're talking about around here aren't overly impressed with image -- what turns them on is vulnerability and a potentially good meal. What they want is a way to get in and lots to eat once they've crossed the threshold.

Think "invitations." Think "insatiable appetites."

So I'm wondering why you feel these women are vampires. Is it because of the way they dress? Because I have to tell you, clothes do not make the vampire, and for vampires this is so not about style.

Do they profess to be vampires? Are they vampire wannabees? If so, this is not what defines a "practical vampire," which is of course what we are speaking of here.

Practical vampires are the people, places, institutions, beliefs, and situations we deal with every day that drain us of our time, our energy, and our good will. They are personal to us and defined not by what they do but rather by how we are affected by them. When we diagnose a vampire in our lives, it is by looking at our wounds, and not by looking at the vampire. Practical vampires are not people playing dress-up or members of any particular community.

Practical vampire slaying is founded on the spiritual principle that a vampire cannot enter into our lives to feed without first receiving our invitation to do so. Taking responsibility for what enters our lives and how we deal with it is how we reclaim our power to choose for ourselves what we want to do about our vampires.

Sometimes we choose to evict them by "revoking our invitations," and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we are ready to be rid of our vampires and other times we're not. It's all about having a choice.

The point is, we have no choice and no power if we continue to view ourselves as victims of bad luck. This is why taking responsibility for our lives matters so much to any practical vampire slayer.

So Bob, when you ask whether you are attracting them or just having bad luck, I want to remind you that we're all approached by vampires every day, whether we're "attracting them" or not. Vampires are nothing if not determined, and will try to solicit an invitation anywhere they can. It is true that some potential hosts are more toothsome than others -- some appear by their behavior to be more vulnerable to solicitation, no doubt about that!

But vampires are willing to "try anyone once,"so it is not our job to run around trying to dodge their solicitations as much as it is to calmly refuse their solicitations when they come.

This we do by arming ourselves with clarity: clarity about who we are and what we want. The more we know about what we're up to and what we want in our lives, the less vulnerable we are to inviting in the things that rob us of our freedom.

I say that like it's so easy, right? But finding clarity about who we are and what we want requires willingness, readiness, commitment, and practice, and even with those, we'll never get it perfect. Still we try, though -- bringing a little more light and a little more freedom to our lives each day.

Or at least I do!

The Natural

2007-08-06T14:27:00.000-06:00

My handsome husband Robert and trapeze-swinging 10 year-old Madeline Jane were out running with our dog Agatha this morning. (That's an old picture of the two of them, by the way, measuring off the deck Robert was building some years ago.)

As they returned home and entered our driveway they spotted one of our neighbors, and Robert (in an admittedly unusual outburst of conviviality) waved and called to him, "Hi there! How're you doing?"

The neighbor, without addressing the question, answered, "Is that your dog I hear barking at night?"

To which Robert simply answered, "I don't know."

Evidently the neighbor said something after that and Robert didn't bother to answer him or ask him to repeat himself; he just kept going instead.

Madeline told me the story when they got home and I have to say that I am once again impressed with my husband's natural ability to ward off vampires.

He's always doing this stuff.

Because if that had been me, I probably would have ignored the fact of our neighbor's rudeness and gotten all concerned and rushed over to try and make it better with him -- even without knowing for sure that it was our dog bothering him.

Talk about invitations to vampires!

Listen: I know for a fact that one of our other neighbors has dogs that bark like clockwork every evening at 9:30.

I also know that this particular neighbor who's doing the complaining is pretty weird and maybe even a little looney. I haven't gotten close enough to know for sure and don't care to.

I also know that vampires just love to catch us off guard. If this guy was among the living he would have come to our home and spoken to us directly and politely. But The Undead don't do business that way. They wait for you to open the door and then rush in with their own agendas, just as this neighbor did.

And did you notice what my clever husband did when approached by the vampire? He gave himself time to think before he answered! He said, "I don't know," which is the perfect time-buying tool.

Anyway, I was thinking about all this after Maddie told me the story, and I was wondering: What do you guys think? Do you consider my husband's behavior rude? Or was it just good slayer technique?

What would you have done?

The Vampire Thrall

2007-07-11T10:05:00.000-06:00

thrall (throl)n.: a semi-hypnotic state brought on by interaction with the vampire which results in our heightened suseptibility to suggestion from the vampire.

My friend Angel was just telling me that one of her vampires showed up at her house quite unexpectedly the other day and asked her if she’d like to go to a street fair with him and his kids. She’d just had a miserably draining encounter with him (and his kids) the day before and it was still fresh in her mind, so when he asked her, she was able to tell him no -- but what she couldn’t understand later was why she’d even considered his proposition. “The weird thing was that I was actually thinking about doing it!” she told me. “Why would I do that, especially when I’m still sore from the last time he bit me?"

Answer: She was caught in her vampire’s thrall. He showed up suddenly and without warning (a favorite vampire tactic, famously employed by salespeople and by people who try to sell religion door-to-door, too), made eye contact with her, and bingo: there she was -- in his thrall and once again highly susceptible to his suggestions.

Vampires are notorious for this -- I mean, we all know that you're never supposed to look into a vampire's eyes, right? And yet the whole thing baffles me a bit...what is it that happens when we do?

Could it be that the vampire's eyes reflect our own indecision?

We are most vulnerable to our vampires when we have not yet taken the time to clarify for ourselves who we are and what we want in our lives.

Could it be that the power of the vampire's thrall lies not so much in the vampire's will for us, but in our uncertainty about what our own will for our lives is?

Back To The Mirror

2007-05-06T13:31:00.000-06:00

Fortunately for us, when we look in the mirror we can see our reflections. And that helps just a heck of a lot when it comes to considering our wounds.

So what are we looking for when we examine ourselves? What do our wounds look like, anyway?

Well, to me the most obvious look a lot like:

Resentment: And I ain’t talking about just being mad, either. What I'm talking about is that movie we keep playing in our heads featuring past feedings by our vampires and future imagined feedings by our vampires -- and our anger, anger, anger about both.

I'm driving to work, and instead of seeing the road in front of me, I'm seeing an ambitious coworker who's been doing his best to prove to me (and everyone else in the office) that he's a faster, harder, and all-around better worker than I am. I can see all the little insinuating ways in which he's tried to make me look bad in the past, and I'm seeing all the possible ways he's going to try and make me look bad in the future. The one thing I can't see is the thing I need to see most at the moment: the road and the traffic in front of me!!

And that's the exact same movie I was watching yesterday on my way to work, too!

Fear: This is another one -- that dread we feel at the prospect of our next visit with our vampires, and how preoccupied we can become with how we're going to dodge, handle, ditch, or (worst of all ) feed them in a hopeless attempt to quiet their insatiable appetites, even for a short time.

I'm finishing the last of the breakfast dishes, satisfied that the livingroom is somewhat clean and the baby is about to go down for her nap. As I contemplate the heavenly possibility of taking a nap with her, it dawns on me that my vampire may be coming to call without notice. I invited her in once long ago, and now she comes and goes as she pleases. Terror-struck at this maybe-she-will/maybe-she-won't scenario, I cannot rest, and search for a plan to keep her out or keep her visit short. But now I'm too worried to rest at all.

And my vampire never even made an appearance!

The trouble with vampire-hosting is that it can get to be a way of life. I can have these kinds of wounds and think these kinds of thoughts for years and never notice how they're draining the life right out of me.

And I'm not even talking about the wounds that just plain-old hurt.

So, Slayers, should we talk about those, too?

Vampire Or What?

2007-05-04T13:43:00.000-06:00

My neighbor? My spouse? My coworker?

God knows it can be ickity-ick-icky trying to figure out whether those are vampires in our lives or not. We tilt our heads and adjust our perspective a thousand times, trying to decide: are they malicious? Are they trying to drive us nuts? Who knows? It could be they're just birdbrained!

Is our neighbor just so dumb that she can't take a hint?
Is our spouse just so distracted that he doesn't know how hurtful his words are?
Is our coworker just such a bonehead that she doesn't know when to shut up and get back to work?

It can be hard to tell sometimes. And tiring! With all our justifications, rationalizations, equivocations and plain old benefits-of-the-doubt in the way, how are we supposed to know who's who and what's what? We don't want to rush to judgement, right?

Right. So what's a Slayer to do?

But you guys know the answer to this one: We check our wounds. We stop looking at our vampires for the answers, and start looking at ourselves. After all, when a dog bites us, we don't look at the dog to try and figure out whether we've been hurt or not, we look at the wound.

The same goes for our vampires. Again and again we find that our best diagnostic tool turns out not to be the one we use on our vampires, but the one we use on ourselves.

Whew and thank goodness, too -- because that other method requires a lot of mind-reading ability for one thing. And that's not even practical... right?

Right.

Next Time:
Diagnosing Our Wounds

"This Is This"

2007-04-27T07:57:00.000-06:00

I've always been so taken with that scene in The Deer Hunter where Robert DeNiro tries to explain to an uncomprehending John Cazale that the bullet in his hand really is the bullet in his hand, and not something else.

Sitting on the hood of of that beat-up cadillac, he holds the bullet up for Cazale to see, points to it and angrily declares:

"This is this. This ain't something else. This is this."

There are a lot of ways to say what he's trying to say -- many ways to try and talk about the problem of denial -- but his is certainly one of my favorites. It speaks to the heart of practical vampire slaying, and to the uncomfortable first step we have to take before we can even hope to be free of our vampires: The step where we admit to ourselves that our vampires really are vampires, and not something else.

That intruding and advice-giving neighbor who can

never take a hint to leave is not "just lonely and trying to help."

She's a vampire, and she's feeding on me .

That isolating and critical spouse who is never satisfied

no matter what I do is not "just a loner and telling it like it is."

He's a vampire, and he's feeding on me.

It's funny how hard that can be to see, isn't it?

Maybe the truth is so hard to see because we're nice guys and really like to give people (and vampires) the benefit of the doubt; or maybe it's just hard to admit because we fear the prospect of having to revoke our invitations -- either way, the fact of the matter remains:

"The strength of the vampire

is that people will not believe in him."

Or so Van Helsing warns us in the 1931 movie version of Dracula. And I, for one, take him at his word.

Next Time: Reminder On Diagnostics

Yes, But What About ME?

2007-04-18T14:24:00.000-06:00

Maybe you've already answered this, but how do you know if you are someone else's vampire? Is there a way to tell if the potential host is too timid to say so?

That you even have the desire and ability to see yourself in the mirror says A LOT, remember. Vampires just don't have that kind of relationship with mirrors. Or themselves.

But for those of us who truly do want to throw some light (whoops -- there's another thing vampires aren't interested in: light) on ourselves, there is more we can do than just gaze and wonder in the mirror -- there's an actual procedure for how we look into our mirrors, and even a list of exactly what it is we're looking for.

In my book I call it using "spiritual garlic," since garlic has such powerful cleansing properties (and because of the whole -- you know -- vampire allergy thing), but you, of course, can call it anything you want.

Here's how it goes...this is the abbreviated blog version, by the way:

Before we go to bed we set aside a few minutes to review our day. The way I do it is to wait until I have a few moments of quiet after everyone else has retired, and then I take a look at my day (almost like I'm watching a movie of my day, but in fast-motion).

As I watch, I usually can't help but notice just a heck of a lot of nice stuff that's happened during the day: a laugh I had with someone, or a kindness given or received, a great meal, a confidence shared, that we all made it home safely to our beds -- stuff like that.

Having taken note of these things, I then say, "THANK YOU."

After that, I watch for the times during the day when my behavior made me or someone else uncomfortable: an argument I had or impatient or harsh words I might have spoken, or something I did that I feel I might need to apologize for -- you know, situations where I was perhaps selfish or self-centered, or where I was resentful (reacting in anger to the same situation in my life over and over again) and behaved in a way that hurt me or someone else -- you know, stuff like that. Then I say, "PLEASE SHOW ME THE WAY TO CORRECT THIS." Or words to that effect -- how you express your need for help in these matters is your own business, of course.

And whomever/whatever you're addressing your request to is also your own business, also of course.

And, okay -- that wasn't so abbreviated, I guess. But in this way we can end the day clean, without bringing all of today's garbage into tomorrow, and with a pretty good idea of who we are and just exactly what we've been up to.

Vampires can't do that. Shoot, they don't even want to.

Thanks for the great question!!

Born To Slay

2007-04-04T09:37:00.000-06:00

Nothing like a little great rock and roll to shoo away the vampires, I always say.

And that is all, for now.

The Vampire In You, The Vampire In Me

2007-03-28T13:18:00.000-06:00

Dear PVS,

Is everyone either a vampire or not a vampire?

I really appreciate this question, since it allows me to distinguish one of the few differences between "actual" vampire slaying and "practical" vampire slaying that I'm aware of.

In both actual and practical vampire mythology there is often a "transition time" for vampires (i.e. when a vampire is feeding on a victim but the victim has not yet crossed over to vampire-hood themselves -- they are a bit of both) which can sometimes, I think, put us in a postition to wonder just what in the heck we're dealing with (and should, by the way, cause us to consider very carefully who we're extending our invitations to). So there's that aspect of your question to consider.

But I get the feeling that your question is really more about whether some individuals among us are objectively vampires, and others are objectively...om...not. And I'd have to say that my answer to that question is that, for practical purposes (which are our purposes) there are no "objective" vampires -- there are only those vampires that feed on us personally.

Are there horror-shows of human beings out there, born without conscience or soul? There could be...I'm not a psychologist or theologist and not here to argue the point (although I think there are) -- my interest as a practical vampire slayer is in the vampires I do have some say over in my life -- how I can make clear decisions about them, and how I can take effective actions to either evict them or make peace with them.

Your vampire may not be my vampire. I mean, I can't stand the sound of someone eating a banana in my vicinity -- it can just about ruin my day, you know? That may not be a vampire to you, but it sure is to me. Maybe your vampire shows up every time you're driving and the person ahead of you is driving"too slowly" and you can't pass them, or when your spouse walks through the door at night and fails to notice that you've made a gorgeous dinner...I mean, you've got yours, I've got mine. Nothing objective about them.

Then of course there is the aspect of the vampire within us all -- the one who is always hungering for more and more and more of what we refuse to acknowledge we've already been given (see Monday's post), or the one who tells us we're not rich enough, smart enough, handsome enough, or whatever enough to make it (ya loser!); or the one who criticizes, punishes, or minimizes the people we love (and who love us). These vampires fall into the "practical" camp, too.

Which makes them practically slayable, incidentally.

Does that answer your question?

Necessary Lengths, Part 2

2007-03-22T09:38:00.002-06:00

As I was saying: Polite hints and clever innuendo are never going to cut it with our vampires -- they're just not designed to receive that stuff. And since vampires will ONLY leave when asked to do so in clear and precise terms, they force us, in a roundabout way, to get clear and precise with ourselves first. After all, how can we tell our vampires what we want if we don't even know what that is ourselves?

See? Our vampires are good for something.

By the way, see that picture? I want you to notice at least two things about it:

The Slayer does not love his work, but appears to be proceeding anyway, and

The stake is pointing exactly to the heart -- not approximately, not almost, not close, but exactly.

This is what we have be: EXACT.

Here are some sentence-starters that WILL SUCCEED in shooing the vampire away:

I want...

I don't want...

I will...

I will not...

and my all-time favorite

I'm sorry if my previous actions confused you on this point, but I'd like to be clear about his matter now: I want, don't want, will, will not...etc.

Notice how in each of these examples the speaker's WILL is engaged. This is because if we tell a vampire that we "can't" or that we "have to" (both commonly used and always-failing phrases) it sounds as if we would if we could. And you know what's wrong with that? The vampire will be only to happy to assist us in overcoming our obstacles! I know you know how this goes:

We: "I really can't help you clean your attic today, my back..."

They: "Oh, no problem! You can just do the light stuff and dusting..."

We: "Yeah but, I haven't even had a chance to go through my own junk at home. I have that income tax to do..."

They: "Oh, when is that due? Geez, I have to get to mine, too! And then I have the lawn besides! Man, do you think you could help me for just an hour?"

We: "I don't know if I'm going to have time later today..."

They: "No, that's fine! We'll do it right now!"

And 3 hours later...well, you know the story when it comes to insatiable appetites, right?

So I guess the question is: What do we want? What are we protecting or avoiding by not telling the truth about ourselves, and is that thing worth bleeding for?

If we decide it's not worth the blood-loss anymore, we speak clearly and directly about what we want.

If we decide we're not ready to give up whatever it is we're holding onto, then we remind ourselves that we made this choice freely, next time the vampire comes to feed. That way we don't have to see ourselves as "victims."

And we can always reconsider our choice, whatever it is.

The Gratitude-Insatiability Connection

2007-03-21T09:43:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking about this condition of insatiability in our vampires and how it relates to my own difficulty in receving things I've not said "thank you" for.

Here's what I'm talking about: Before starting on the road to recovery from my alcoholism, I always found it very difficult to receive compliments. I don't know where I got the idea that it was somehow more attractive to refuse them, but wherever that idea came from, it certainly stuck. It was impossible for anyone to tell me that they thought I was funny or pretty or smart, or even that what I was wearing that day looked good -- without getting some kind of an argument from me. I would disagree, or explain their misunderstanding ("oh that's just a funny story -- anyone could tell it" or "I'll be a lot prettier when I lose 10 pounds!" or "I'm not really smart, I just looked good because no one else was talking" or "this dress was a gift -- I'd never pick out anything this nice myself!" and so on), or just plain ignore the praise. It was practically a reflex with me.

How insulting for the person offering me their gift to have it thrown back in their face that way! Ugh.

Anyway.

Necessary Lengths, Part 1

2007-03-20T19:18:00.000-06:00

Hi,

I have a vampire in my life that I think I'm trying to get to "see herself," but let me tell you what I mean: She may ask me to help clean her attic -- something I don't really want to do -- but as the very willing host, I try to get her to take the hint by doing these things:

holding my back as if to say "see how hard I've worked and maybe I should stop?
"Man, look at the time, I haven't had dinner yet, I better go home", etc.

I think that comments and gestures like this should get my point across, like, "See what you're doing to me? Haven't I done enough to help you?" But it's not terribly effective.

What are some words to use to this vampire?

Nothing is more draining and futile than waiting around for a vampire to take a hint. Just imagine someone trying to get a vampire off his neck by saying something like, "You know, I'm really starting to lose a lot of blood here..." Yeah, that's going to work! Because the vampire cares so much.

There are lots of reasons for not wanting to be straight with our vampires: maybe we don't like confrontations, or we're afraid they won't like us any more; maybe we feel sorry for them, or we're afraid they'll get mad at us. Perhaps we have an image of ourselves as "generous" that we don't want compromised, or we have an exaggerated sense of responsibility and power. I myself have a fear of getting yelled at by vampires -- they can be so scary! Whatever.

No matter what the reason for offering gestures and excuses instead of just telling them the truth, the fact of the matter is:

Vampires don’t take hints. It’s their special gift.

They are immune to innuendo.

And, for you who think they can still find a way around it, I'll add this:

100% of the time. Always and forever.

Here are some sentence starters that WILL NOT SUCCEED in getting the vampire off our backs:

I'm not sure...
I don't think...
I have to...
I can't...

Now, what do all these sentence-starters have in common? They do not engage the speakers will. We'll talk more about that in a second.

But first, here are some gestures that WILL NOT SUCCEED in getting the vampire out of our homes:

Starting dinner/picking up and dusting around the vampire
Looking at the clock/making references to things that will be happening "soon"
Getting ready for bed/talking about how early you have to get up in the morning
Turning on the television/intently watching the television
Taking phone calls/making phone calls
Seeming not to listen/showing no interest in the vampire

And what do all these gestures have in common? Right: They are indirect, nonspecific, open to interpretation.

Okay, that's it for today. I'll be back tomorrow with Part 2, to talk about the stuff that DOES SUCCEED.

Reflections

2007-03-19T09:41:00.000-06:00

We all know that a vampire can't see its own reflection, of course -- Dracula was in fact angered by the sight of mirrors (how symbolically delicious, can you get?) -- and most of us have tried so hard and so fruitlessly to get our own vampires to "see themselves" as to be utterly convinced of the truth of this fact. So I know that I needn't go on and on about vampires and their reflections; I'm pretty sure we all get it.

However.

There's another aspect to all this reflection business that I do fear gets missed sometimes, and it has to do with what we, as hosts, sometimes see when we look into the mirror.

Stephen King wrote the sweetest, most heartbreaking scene in 'Salem's Lot that addresses this subject, where the mother of a little vampire boy talks about how she perceives her own reflection in the mirror. Her thirsty little boy has been visiting and feeding on her for a while, and although she's not a vampire herself yet, she's certainly feeling the effects of his appetite: she's tired, weak, confused, and doesn't want to go out of the house. At one point she says to her husband (and I paraphrase here), "I looked in the mirror last night and I could almost see through my reflection, it was so pale."

Talk about symbolic deliciousness and heartbreaking metaphors!

Lately I've been listening to stories (including my own) about how it feels to do things for our loved ones that go unnoticed and without acknowledgement of any kind. You know the stuff I'm talking about -- the dishes, the laundry, the cooking, the vacuming, the shopping, the patient listening and understanding -- all that stuff we do that so often gets taken for granted. I mean, just hearing that someone (ahem!) liked the dinner we made last night might be nice for a change.

Or not making and spilling popcorn all over the livingroom after I've just finished cleaning the kitchen and vacuming the livingroom might perhaps be another way of saying "I care." In case anyone was wondering.

Absence of acknowledgement and absence of gratitude: they're vampires that can make us feel invisible, like we're not even here.

Sigh. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I can almost see through my reflection...it's so pale.

Tell me, Slayers: Is there anything that makes you feel invisible?

Multiple Personality Disorder In Vampires

2006-09-15T14:47:00.000-06:00

Here is my question: How do I get rid of a vampire in my life who is catty and offensive to me when the two of us are alone, and then when my husband is around she is really cutesy and nice, so he really likes her?

That was the easy question. Here is the difficult one: Did I make her into a vampire?

Talk about efficiency in vampires! It sounds like this one has found a way to feed on your husband's attention and on your frustration about this multiple personality disorder of hers at the same time. I should note here, though, that when we're talking about multiple personality disorder in vampires, what we're really talking about is something we in vampireland refer to as "shapeshifting."

Remember how Dracula could do that -- how he could turn into a bat or a wolf or smoke or whatever? Well, that's what this catty cutsiepie is doing, too: she's using that famously handy vampire power of hers to shift shape so she can feed as much as possible. Two for the price of one, if you will.
Vampires are nothing if not economical.

Don't forget what she is or forget her nature, though: A vampire's appetite is never satisfied (the rules, remember?) AND she is Undead, which is to say that she has no soul, no conscience, and no actual memory of her actions -- and therefore no ability to "reflect" on them.

As to getting rid of shapeshifting vampires: It can be tricky since you might revoke your invitation to her in one shape, then have her show up on your doorstep again in another shape, asking for yet another invitation to get in. And if she catches you on a day you're not paying attention, you might just give her that invitation she's seeking. You see the problem.

The solution, when it comes to these shapeshifting predators, is to turn the light not on them, but on ourselves. In this case you might want to bring your motive for retaining her "friendship" into the light where you can see it clearly. Then ask yourself if the reason you're keeping her around is really worth all this blood-loss to you. Also, while you're in that light, you might want to take a look at your wounds to see exactly where you are so vulnerable and whether -- vampire or no -- you want to heal or strengthen yourself in those areas. Vampires are our little helpers in that way, you know: they lead us, however angrily, into the darkness within -- to the parts of ourselves we've kept hidden and tried our best to deny. They're kind of angels in that way, you know?

And as for your "making her into a vampire" the answer is no. You don't have the power to do that. Only another vampire has the power to do that, and if you still have the ability to turn the light on yourself and look in the mirror, you're not one of those.

Great question! Thanks!

More About Power

2006-08-29T21:50:00.000-06:00

Slayer,

All my life I've been trying to help my brother with his vampires, his depression, his negative self talk, in early years his drug addiction. It seems though that now the vampire has gotten hold of me. Well, actually, long ago the vampire got hold of me, I suppose – the vampire being my need to rescue my brother. I try everything. All the way from trying to get him into treatment in the early years (he didn't go into treatment until I left: in other words, it was of his own volition that he went into treatment and had nothing to do with me) to trying to cheer him up, suggesting strategies, doing things for him, countering his negative beliefs. The last thing I tried was giving him a long list of all the really bad things that happened and happen to me, including all the millions of things that don't "go right" in my life either. I did this so that he could see that life isn't so personal. Everyone has things to deal with.

Anyway, you can see I've been bitten. I'm not sure how to revoke my invitation, while I'm scared for my brother. Can you help me? Thank you.

Signed: Worried in the Woods

Dearest Worried,

This may sound hard, but I'm pretty sure we can't make other people well by getting sick ourselves -- and trying to wrestle, cajole, or debate the vampire off someone else's neck is sure to make us just that: sick. As you've already discovered, the vampire has plenty of appetite for the both of you, and I can promise you its more than willing to take on the rest of your family and loved ones, too. We're talking insatiable appetites here.

Coming to terms with how little power we actually have over other people and their vampires doesn't usually feel good, but I believe it is good. I think it signals the acceptance of reality for us -- a "moment of clarity," if you will. The trouble with moments of clarity is that they aren't much fun. I mean, it's not like the sun comes out and the birds start singing when we see finally something for what it really is; the recognition of powerlessness usually feels pretty crappy, and it's a little while before most of us can start feeling good again. And you're right, it is scary.

One of the fairest rules of vampire slaying that I can think of goes like this:

“If I didn’t extend the invitation, then it is not mine to revoke.”

As a recovering alcoholic I'm very grateful to the people who tried to help me when I was still drinking, who told me how they felt and how they were affected by my disease (brave souls!), but who eventually got clear with themselves about exactly where their thresholds were, and about how much or little they wanted to do with my untreated illness - which was certainly a vampire to them.

They could tell me how they felt and could draw a line for themselves about how involved they wanted to be with my illness, but they could not make my decision for me about whether I wanted to get well or not. That was my vampire, and my decision. What they could make a decision about was how well they wanted to be. That was their vampire, and their decision.

Those are the rules.

I don't think there's a vampire around that can't be slain with a combination of CLARITY and POWER. The clarity you've already got; it was something you needed to find alone and in the light of your own circumstances...it was a personal, private thing. But that, I think, is where the private, personal, and alone stuff needs to end.

One of the tricky things about admitting powerlessness is that, once we've done it, we need to find another power source (besides our own impeccable judgement and furious will to make things work out our way) to replace the power we've stopped kidding ourselves about having. If we don't replace this superficial power we thought we had with real, down-to-earth, practical (there's that word!) power, then we are sure to return to our old illusion of power. And as we've already discovered, vampires aren't particularly impressed with that!

I myself am a big believer in the power of experience, which is to say that I think you should talk to someone who has experience with a vampire like yours and gotten free. For me that was and is participation in a 12-step group -- with people who can describe their own experience with my vampire (just so I'm sure we're talking about the same thing) and can also tell me how they got free. The expression "find someone who has something you want" usually works pretty well for me: I look for people in the group who seem to be open-minded, calm, funny, and who are - above all else - free. Then I ask them how they got from where they were, to where they are today. And the power of that is unbelievable.

I don't think for a minute that 12-step groups are the only place to find that, by the way, but I do believe that the experienced teacher is the best -- theory and speculation just won't cut it with vampires. The power has to be grounded in something real and practical. Like experience, for instance.

A Bleed Of Slayers It Is

2006-08-29T19:41:00.000-06:00

Okay, that did it -- Benticore's lovely wife Queue just cast her vote for "A Bleed of Slayers" so at least that much is settled now: When referring to -- what should it be -- 3 or more Slayers in a group, would you say? From now on we'll call that "a Bleed."

And I don't want to hear any arguments about a pair of Slayers, all right? A pair is just a pair.

Amen.

That Old Gang Of Mine

2006-08-12T09:06:00.000-06:00

Dear Madame Slayer,

I've been a faithful reader now for, well, since the beginning, and lately I've noticed that there are several of us out here. I think we deserve a name. Geese come in a gaggle, wolves in a pack, cows in a herd. What would you call us, your PVS devotees?

Living in the Light, With the Nightlight on Just in Case

Darling Faithful,

Well this is a poser!

I remember one time I needed a name for a group of vampires, so I hollered down to my (then 7 year old) daughter, "Hey Maddie -- what would you call a bunch of vampires all together, like a herd of sheep?" Her answer? "A bleed of vampires."

I sure liked that.

That genius Joss Whedon (creator of TV series Buffy The Vampire Slayer) dubbed the Slayers-in-training on that show "Potentials," and it's hard for me to imagine a more perfect name for them than that...

In the case of people who read (or should I say "check," since I so rarely post anything new!) this blog, the best word I can think of for them is "Allies," since they provide such great support and friendship to me.

Sniff!

Thanks!!

PVS

Those Vampires Closest To Home

2006-06-19T17:25:00.000-06:00

Madam Slayer,

You make it sound so simple, this vampire-slaying thing. But how many of us have vampires that are our mothers, husbands or life-long friends? It's not so easy to revoke an invitation to someone you can't totally write out of your life. In that case, do you have some suggestions about how to detach, keep good boundaries and elevate the relationship to a higher level, without a total revocation? Or is it more that the revocation happens on an inner level within ourselves even if we are still in relationship with a vampiric-type person?

Thanks for considering.

Simply Sucked

Practical vampire slaying is about getting into the light where we can see what we're doing, where we're at, and who we really are. It is pretty simple (as in not complicated), but it does require a bit of willingness, honesty, and dedication -- and it takes practice. It also takes knowing the rules.

One of the first rules of PVS is to forget about rehabilitating the vampire, and start rehabilitating ourselves. What that means in terms of any blood-draining relationships we're involved in (but not ready to be done with -- for whatever reason) is that we must be willing to take the time to look inside ourselves and find our bottom, and I mean our very bottom, line. You mention the word "boundaries," which evokes an excellent image, not unlike an image of the "thresholds" our vampires have to cross before they can suck our blood. Our task is to know exactly where our threshold is (what specific behavior in our vampire we find draining), and what we are willing to risk to defend it (defending our threshold could be mean the loss of an image of ourselves as "nice guys," for instance, or angering the vampire and possibly others). But I think it's possible to maintain a relationship with someone and know exactly where the line is for ourselves about how intimate we will be with them. If talking with them about how we raise our kids, for instance, always ends in a distinct feeling of anemia for us, then we might consider drawing the line (threshold) there. We must be willing, however, to submit to the consequences of this decision -- there can be a good deal of squawking by hungry vampires when the threshold is moved; still, we know our thresholds and respect them, since the first rule is (as we all know!) "A vampire cannot cross the threshold without an invitation from the host." And it's always, always true.
When we live in the light and humbly admit our limitations (know our thresholds, and especially ourselves), we no longer feel the need to apologize for them or for ourselves. This way we are in much less danger of wavering when the vampire tries to talk us out of what we have brought into the light about ourselves and know for certain. It seems that the truth really does set us free after all.

The Accidental Host

2006-04-03T12:00:00.000-06:00

I think it's only fair to mention here that we, as hosts, don't always exactly see what we're up to either. It's so easy to extend an invitation without even knowing. And it's so easy, too, to have motives for extending our invitations that streak by so fast we barely get a look at them. Getting lost in the dark can almost become a way of life, you know?

Fortunately for us, however, are not Undead: Any time we want to we can choose to turn on the light, look in the mirror, see what we're doing, and accept responsibility for our invitations. The vampire doesn't even have a choice about that, so it's up to us.

Our reflection. Our invitation. Our power.

Those are the rules.

The Accidental Vampire

2006-03-30T14:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. Slayer,

Is it possible for a vampire to not know what it is?

Not only is it possible, it's practically guaranteed. A vampire cannot see its own reflection in the mirror, remember? You probably know this if you've ever tried to get your vampire to look at itself -- remember when your vampire was listing all your faults, shortcomings, weaknesses, etc., and you finally piped up and said, "Hey, what about YOU? What about your faults, shortcomings, weaknesses, etc.?"

Did you have any luck with that?

I'll answer for you: No.

And why?

Now you answer: Because a vampire cannot see its own reflection, that's why.

Those are the rules.

Other Hosts

2006-03-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Madam Slayer,
What if you have a friend who keeps complaining about vampire-type people in their lives but can't seem to say no to them? Is there some kind of a kit or something that a person could give them to help them out? Also, is it proper slaying etiquette to offer assistance to someone like this? The person I'm thinking of does not have a computer so can't read your blog.
A Wondering Friend

Dear Friend,

First my question: How come all of a sudden everyone is calling me "Madam?"

And now to your answers: 1. Anyone who "can't say no to their vampire" (or, as we like to say around here, "cannot revoke their invitation to a vampire") is most likely feeling powerless because they haven't yet accepted responsibility for their invitation.

The rule is: if we cannot accept responsibility for our invitations then we will not find the power to revoke them. You probably heard a varation on this in the Spiderman movie (although PVS said it first)-- I think they said, "With great power comes great responsibility." That's not bad, but around here we like to say, "With a given amount of responsibility comes a given amount of power." which has, for one thing, a sense of proportion that I feel the other one lacks. Plus it makes sense. And you have to admit, it's only fair.

2. Yes indeedy, there is a kit... or rather, a book called THE PRACTICAL VAMPIRE SLAYER, but it's not available yet. It's good to remember, though, that we may lay the "kit" (or tool, or book, whatever) at the feet of our friends, but we cannot pick it up for them. They have to do that themselves, and the desire to do that must come from within (where I can assure you, their Slayer resides).

3. And, by the way -- although offering the tools to a suffering host is perfectly fine, always try to remember that slaying is about making informed, conscious, and therefore free choices about our lives; it is not about following someone else’s script for what’s supposedly “best” for us. No one is allowed to push us into revoking our invitation, and no one who knows what’s good for them will so much as raise an eyebrow in our direction should we choose not to revoke our invitation. Aside from being in extremely poor spiritual taste, judging what another chooses to do about their vampire is simply not a thing that any of us can reasonably expect to get away with. Many of us have tried pronouncing judgment on others and discovered, too late, that the price is just a little out of our range.
I’m talking about this “Judge not, lest ye be judged” business, specifically: No matter how we try to bend the rules, we will always find it impossible to judge others without judging ourselves right along with them. After all, our judgments don’t come from some objective standard “out there;” our judgments come from within, so we can hardly expect to separate ourselves from them. When you stop to think about it, why in the world would we be designed to escape the measure of our own standards, anyway? What would be fair, or even practical, about that?

So I'm just saying: Be careful out there.

More Valuable Offers From The Undead

2006-03-22T16:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Slayer,

What about telemarketers? I've never invited them in, and still they call. How am I supposed to “revoke” an invitation that I’ve never even “extended”?

The invitation rule is hard and fast, I’m afraid: when our vampires get in, they do so by invitation only. So you did invite them in, only the trouble was you didn't know about it.
Vampires are experts at diversion, deception, and shape-shifting, and we often don’t realize we’ve extended an invitation until we're down a few pints. Telemarketers, I think, are especially endearing in their tactics -- often requesting "just a moment of our time," or sometimes offering us "valuable savings" and even "prizes" to try and get us to open up. What many of us fail to understand, however, is that by simply responding to their questions and offers, we extend our invitations.
As to the solution, getting on "no call lists" is okay, I guess (I'm not so sure I want to be on anyone's list, however!) but not in the least bit necessary. When a vampire calls and says to me,
"Hi Claudia! This is Paula, calling from Blopiddy-blah..." I always interrupt (politely!) and take control of the threshold, the invitation, and the vampire by saying:
"Hi Paula! Would you please take my name off your list?"
There really isn't too much a vampire can say to that besides, "Yes I will," or "thank you, Claudia." Since it's a bad idea to lose my manners around vampires or anyone else, I usually end our (always brief) conversations by saying something like, "And thank you, Paula!"
This is what my friend Cindy calls "bagging a vampire," and I've got to tell you -- once you've tried it and found out how good it feels, you'll never want to stop.

Hosting Here, Or What?

2006-03-21T14:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Slayer,

My boyfriend is a really great guy, but he sometimes makes fun of me about stuff like my job (I don’t make as much money as he does), my figure (which is not model-perfect), and the fact that I’m not as smart as he is (I never finished my college degree). I have to admit that what he says is pretty funny sometimes, but it can also hurt my feelings, too. Sometimes I think he’s kind of a vampire, and then later I think I must be crazy to think he’s a vampire – he’s just not the type. Everybody likes him, so maybe I’m just being sensitive (that’s what he always says). If he’s not a real vampire, then I should be ok, right?

You know, when a dog bites us, most of us don’t look at the dog to see how badly we’ve been hurt – we look at the bite. And yet, when most of us begin to suspect we’re being drained by a vampire, the first thing we’re apt to do is try and take a closer look at what the vampire is doing. As if the vampire can reveal to us the extent of our wounds! It’s almost like we’re saying, “If this isn’t a real vampire, then that must not be a real bite on our necks, either.” Think about that for a second: that bite that’s bleeding all over our shirt and getting sticky and hurting like heck and getting infected and pinching when we turn our necks sometimes – that’s the bite that’s not real if we decide it’s not a real vampire? Please.
Diagnosing vampire attacks is not so much about analyzing our vampire's behavior as it is about evaluating the extent of our wounds. I’m not saying that our vampires don’t have some distinguishing characteristics, because they certainly do; but when it comes to getting reliable information about whether I’ve been attacked by a real vampire or not, I’ll check the wound every time.
Here are some questions I ask about my wounds:
1. Does it hurt? What did they say or do that hurt? Do I feel mad, sad, frustrated, defeated, furious, or all of these things?
2. Have I been bitten here before? (Is this familiar, have I felt this pain before? Am I having the same thoughts I had the last time I was hurt this way? Am I trying to defend myself in the same way I have in the past?)
When the area seems particularly thin-skinned, and especially when the pain from the wound is familiar – as it often is when someone is making repeated “humorous” slights about my earning ability, my appearance, or my competence in general – these are pretty sure signs of a vampire lurking about in my life.
But only you can say whether a vampire’s been feeding on you or not – they’re your wounds. The important thing to remember when diagnosing a vampire attack is to keep the focus on ourselves and our injuries, and NOT on our vampires! I know it can be hard to break that thrall once it’s been established, but this is important. When we focus on ourselves, we’re looking where the power is, where the solution is, and (by the way) precisely where our vampires don’t want us looking.

To Whom It May Concern

2006-03-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

I don’t want to offend you or anything, but is this for real – an advice column for vampire slayers? Aren’t you talking about, well…a sort of specialized audience?

No offense taken. And, to answer your question, I think it all depends on how you define the word “vampire.” I mean, if you’re thinking sharp fangs, pale skin, and silly accents, then what you’re probably talking about are classical vampires – like Dracula. But… if you’re thinking hurt feelings, drained energy, and stolen property, then what I think you’re talking about are practical vampires – like the kind that show up in our lives every day. Fortunately for us, both are evicted from our lives in the same way: with clear and precise revocations…and always in the light.

Knock-knock

2006-03-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Madame Slayer,

I have a vampire living next door to me. She only calls me when she needs something, she asks me to watch her kid and just drops him off before I can say no, she borrows things from me (a baby sling, a stroller, milk, eggs) always with the promise that she'll "pay me back (Tuesday)." So this is the thing: I'm done. I've had it. I'm sick of feeling used, but every time I try to get up the courage to tell her off, some sad story about how her husband works all the time, how depressed she is, or how bad her life is, sucks me in again. And so the whole thing starts all over again. I need to change this, but I don't know how. I think I am too afraid of being "mean," but this has gotten out of hand.
Help!
Whimpy

You know the trouble with vampires is that once we invite them in, they are free to come, and go, and feed whenever they want to. It's not fair, I know, but that's the rule: Vampires are special that way; they only need to be invited in once.

On the fair side, however, there is a way out. When we've made up our minds that we we're through with a vampire (and it sounds like you are), we simply revoke our invitation. That's what it's called when we tell our vampire to hit the road: "Revoking our invitation."

A good rule to know when it comes to revocations is this: Vampires do not, under any circumstances, “take hints.” You probably know about this rule if you’ve ever tried to get one to leave you alone by glancing at the clock, yawning, telling them you’re busy, demonstrating you’re busy, saying you have a headache, telling them you’re broke, or whatever. They simply have no receptor sites for that kind of innuendo, and I mean none. So beating them over the head with hint after hint is never going to work.

Successful vampire Slayers issue revocations that are effective because they have two simple and indispensable qualities:
1. They are clear.
2. They are precise.

Makes sense, doesn’t it? But the principle that so often gets overlooked here is that before we can be clear and precise with our vampires, we are first going to have to be clear and precise with ourselves.

This is only practical. If we've been trying to put our vampire off with diluted revocations like, "I can't afford it, I can't see you anymore, or I can't lend you my baby sling," we're going to have to knock that off, get into the light, and get clear about who we are and what we want: We stop pretending that our decision to cut the vampire off is about “being unable” to feed the vampire, and instead recognize that our decision to cut them off is actually about “not wanting” to feed them anymore. We notice that once our will is recognized, our message to the vampire becomes clear, changing automatically to powerful (and honest) invitation-revoking language like this: “I won’t lend you money, I don’t want to see you any more, and I don’t want to lend you my baby sling, oreos, etc."

Once the will is engaged, we start using those “w” words like crazy.

And one last thing: Often, when I catch myself in the light, I see that it was not only my invitation, but my misleading behavior toward the vampire that kept it coming back for more. When that is the case (and it usually is) I say something like, “I’m sorry misled you. By lending you my baby sling, my stroller, and the contents of my refrigerator, I probably gave the impression that it was okay with me for you come over here any time you like and “borrow” things, but I was wrong to do that. I want to be clear with you now. Please do not ask to borrow my things any more. I will not be lending them to you.” Something like that.
Let me know how it goes!