I Think They're Trying To Seduce Me

Dear PVS,

I'm 19 years old, and not Goth. I am fairly normal by most standards, but 3 female vampires have tried to start relationships with me or wanted sex in the past month.

Am I attracting this or do just have really bad luck?

Sincerely, Bob

Hi Bob,

Thanks for the great question, and I apologize for the delay in answering you -- I've been having blogger trouble that seems to have finally resolved itself today.

So. A couple of things come to mind as I consider your letter:

First, you don't need to be "Goth" to attract a vampire, although I suspect you already know this. The vampires we're talking about around here aren't overly impressed with image -- what turns them on is vulnerability and a potentially good meal. What they want is a way to get in and lots to eat once they've crossed the threshold.

Think "invitations." Think "insatiable appetites."

So I'm wondering why you feel these women are vampires. Is it because of the way they dress? Because I have to tell you, clothes do not make the vampire, and for vampires this is so not about style.

Do they profess to be vampires? Are they vampire wannabees? If so, this is not what defines a "practical vampire," which is of course what we are speaking of here.

Practical vampires are the people, places, institutions, beliefs, and situations we deal with every day that drain us of our time, our energy, and our good will. They are personal to us and defined not by what they do but rather by how we are affected by them. When we diagnose a vampire in our lives, it is by looking at our wounds, and not by looking at the vampire. Practical vampires are not people playing dress-up or members of any particular community.

Practical vampire slaying is founded on the spiritual principle that a vampire cannot enter into our lives to feed without first receiving our invitation to do so. Taking responsibility for what enters our lives and how we deal with it is how we reclaim our power to choose for ourselves what we want to do about our vampires.

Sometimes we choose to evict them by "revoking our invitations," and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we are ready to be rid of our vampires and other times we're not. It's all about having a choice.

The point is, we have no choice and no power if we continue to view ourselves as victims of bad luck. This is why taking responsibility for our lives matters so much to any practical vampire slayer.

So Bob, when you ask whether you are attracting them or just having bad luck, I want to remind you that we're all approached by vampires every day, whether we're "attracting them" or not. Vampires are nothing if not determined, and will try to solicit an invitation anywhere they can. It is true that some potential hosts are more toothsome than others -- some appear by their behavior to be more vulnerable to solicitation, no doubt about that!

But vampires are willing to "try anyone once,"so it is not our job to run around trying to dodge their solicitations as much as it is to calmly refuse their solicitations when they come.

This we do by arming ourselves with clarity: clarity about who we are and what we want. The more we know about what we're up to and what we want in our lives, the less vulnerable we are to inviting in the things that rob us of our freedom.

I say that like it's so easy, right? But finding clarity about who we are and what we want requires willingness, readiness, commitment, and practice, and even with those, we'll never get it perfect. Still we try, though -- bringing a little more light and a little more freedom to our lives each day.

Or at least I do!

The Natural

My handsome husband Robert and trapeze-swinging 10 year-old Madeline Jane were out running with our dog Agatha this morning. (That's an old picture of the two of them, by the way, measuring off the deck Robert was building some years ago.)

As they returned home and entered our driveway they spotted one of our neighbors, and Robert (in an admittedly unusual outburst of conviviality) waved and called to him, "Hi there! How're you doing?"

The neighbor, without addressing the question, answered, "Is that your dog I hear barking at night?"

To which Robert simply answered, "I don't know."

Evidently the neighbor said something after that and Robert didn't bother to answer him or ask him to repeat himself; he just kept going instead.

Madeline told me the story when they got home and I have to say that I am once again impressed with my husband's natural ability to ward off vampires.

He's always doing this stuff.

Because if that had been me, I probably would have ignored the fact of our neighbor's rudeness and gotten all concerned and rushed over to try and make it better with him -- even without knowing for sure that it was our dog bothering him.

Talk about invitations to vampires!

Listen: I know for a fact that one of our other neighbors has dogs that bark like clockwork every evening at 9:30.

I also know that this particular neighbor who's doing the complaining is pretty weird and maybe even a little looney. I haven't gotten close enough to know for sure and don't care to.

I also know that vampires just love to catch us off guard. If this guy was among the living he would have come to our home and spoken to us directly and politely. But The Undead don't do business that way. They wait for you to open the door and then rush in with their own agendas, just as this neighbor did.

And did you notice what my clever husband did when approached by the vampire? He gave himself time to think before he answered! He said, "I don't know," which is the perfect time-buying tool.

Anyway, I was thinking about all this after Maddie told me the story, and I was wondering: What do you guys think? Do you consider my husband's behavior rude? Or was it just good slayer technique?

What would you have done?